I’m ashamed to say I went an entire week without trying something new.

Although I literally do little more than browse the internet at work, I’m exhausted by the time I get home. Though it’s not so much exhaustion, but more like I’m in a coma. I hear people talking to me but the words don’t really register. I have to ask people to repeat what they said two or three times, sometimes I answer without knowing what was asked or even that I’ve actually spoken. I almost got in two accidents in less than one week on the way home from work because my mind was god knows where. It is so hard to snap out of that funk. By the time I am home I’m completely and utterly numb. I will move for nothing, because moving requires energy I do not have.

Here’s a typical day: wake up, work, home, take the dog to the dog park, go back home, eat, sleep. Sometimes we go out to eat. Sometimes I clean. Sometimes we watch a movie. Sometimes we go out with friends. No matter what though, I never feel present. I always feel like I’m waking through endless fog, and I’ve gotta admit it scares me. I was always like this to some degree, as far as I can remember. I’ve never known how to live in the moment I inhabit. Always everywhere; never here. But it’s been getting worse and worse. Sometimes I go to sleep without being tired, but simply because I’m bored and don’t know what else to do.

The core reason why I started this project was because I wanted to be more mindful. I wanted to be able to distinguish one day from the next, to have something to awaken me to life every day no matter how small.

I didn’t know it would be this hard.

When the majority of your day is spent sitting in a chair with nothing to do but wait for time to go by, when you don’t feel like your day (or life for that matter) has any real purpose, when everything ceases to interest you, trying becomes really, really hard. You know how when you spend all day in bed watching tv you start to get this nagging headache and you become lethargic? That’s me almost every day.

I will try, because I have to try. And if I fail again, I’ll pick up and keep going. I understand this is a very depressing post and probably more personal than I was ready to get but if I’m gonna document this I will do it right–highs and lows.

On the bright side: instead of being a week and a half behind, now I’m only half a week behind on post :).

Has anybody else felt this way before? How did you overcome it?

Advertisements